And the confusion grows.

Well Ive had a long day with lots to think about. Amy in all her wisdom has taken me into this new realm of reality. The woman has a way of making me unable to deny the truth no matter how hard it is.

Well IM not gonna deal with it tonight. Its been a long day I just need to sleep. .
Instead Im gonna just post some ideas

I wonder how much electro therapy shock treatment costs?

If I was to enter the world of professional dancing would my current collegues laugh at me?

How many times does it take to look behind my sholder before I realize Im not being followed?

Why do I feel so good today?

Generation X -

Its my 31st year in exisitence. Im pretty young for a hitman with as much exerience as myself but when I graduated I didnt feel like working at some call centre or at the steal plant so I took a job as a bartender that was actually a money laundering outfit. One day my boss asked me if I wanted to make some extra$ and well the rest is history.

What Ive come to realize that there is this strange thing that happens to people at this age. I think its when we realize or own Mortality. Ive seen death up close and heard so many beg and pray for god that I guess I really dont notice anymore. Its pretty standard in my line of work. Just the other day I had to take out these three bikers trying to muscle in on my boss' turf. I decided it best to look messy so that the police would expect rival bikers. It was pretty standard, shotgun, pilers, thumb tacks and rubber bands. Well I dont have to go into the details its pretty obvious.

Well as I was walking back to my car I got this thought in my head. Do you really want to be doing this in 20 yeas from now? Man the depression hit me like a wave of sound. Those sad hairy bastards I just wacked probably never thought that when they took their jobs that it may end up this way. I have no fear of anyone getting to me as Im too good...in fact Im the best. But being the best at somthing still doenst really make the job any better, you think the world's best crack whore loves her work?

So here is my dilema. I need to find a job, a real shift in my career. Ive had enough of the contract killing gig. I think Im gonna go crazy if Im shooting people in the face in a year from now. I know its gonna be tough and Im sure at times I will just want to take on a ninja in a knife fight or take out a small columbian drug cartel. There will be things I miss. No doubt about it.

So the next step in my plan is to figure out what I want to do. I thought alot about it on that drive back from the river after ditichig the guns (I kept the rubber bands). As hard as it is to beleieve I dont know what it is i want to do. Im not happy and I dont know what will. So In a moment of weekness I picked up the telephone book and made a call to a career counsellor. I meet next tuesday. Im not sure If I should go.

So here I am a memeber of generation X-. The disenfranchiesed. The wandering lost in this anything but simple expereince we call life. Man Im falling apart. I need a drink.

The Worst day

Oh I found this tonight. Its from a couple of years back.
Pretty cool eh


well today has been the worst day I've had in as long as I can remember!!!!!!!!!! I didnt sleep well last night. Amy has been on my mind, I miss her alot and Im worried about her. Seems from our last transmission she got into some trouble last week. She reports that she is ok but Im still finding Im worried. Im not sure what is wrong with me. What is happening to me!!!

Well , the worst day. In the interest of being a professional I controlled my emotions today. There is this young punk working on a contract with me right now and the little cocky SOB seems to think that he is somthing to be held. I had to put him in his place today and the little crap pile actually asked me if I was scared of him....ME. Well it was all I could do not to rip off his arm and hand it to him. I dont know how much more I can take. I wa so close to just dropping the hole deal and busting his mouth open then I could go in search of the beatiful Russian spy. All in due time.

Nothing less it ruined my day. Ive been walking around all day with that gut burning worry and tingles in my arms and face. The stress so physical I can actually harness it. The anxiety got so bad that I had to go to the gym and work it off. I'll be lucky if I can cock my gun tommorrow. I havent hit the weights like that in a couple years. The longer this putz bag is around the better shap I'll be in. Lucky for the walking cabbage patch doll. He doesnt even know.



Well I need to get some sleep. I hope I have a better day tommorrow.


Be safe Amy.

Alone and Alive

Well its been a month today since Ive seen Amy the Russian Spy. Its hard to believe its been that long. Im lying here in be with one of those cases of insomnia I get everyonce and a while. I guess Ive developed a likeing for her. It doesnt make sense , this goes againts my hitman code. I dont get attached to people. If I didnt know any better I would say I miss her. Wow. What a concept.

Note to self, shoot yourself in the foot for being a pussy.

It would seem that Im falling apart and its driving me nuts. Like the other day for instance I was putting a qoute in on a contract and the client wanted his wife and their cat gone. Well Normally my rule is no children, but a cat? It isnt even a real thing. What does it do except sit around looking like the most evil creature imaginable, eating tuna and scrathing things. Well jesus, I couldnt do It . I could shoot the woman in the face and not lose a minutes sleep but the thought of trying to wack a cat bothered me so much I had to leave the office and come home and pop a valumn. Man Im becoming a woman.

Well If that wasnt the worst part of my day than meeting up with my old best friend was. Andy and I were inseperable back in college and we did everything together. Then after first year he quit and went off to work on some boat in spain and I stayed back and finished off my degree. Yes thats right I have a degree, just becasue Im a contract killer doesnt mean that I might want to do something else down the road. The guys in my support group make fun of me saying things like "Professor death" and "man that degree musta KILLED you" I laugh if it off but Im proud of my degree in woman studies. (It turned out that it was the only thing I was able to graduate with with out taking another year) hey its an education , right? . I tell everybody that its a BA in Criminolgy cuz it sounds better but its in Womens studies. So what. I fucking Kill people.....IM NOT GAY.
I didnt always have the desire to be a hitman. It wasnt until after graduation that I took a job at a local bar as a bartender that turned out to be a front for money laundering scheme did I get in to hitmaning.

Oh yeah back to Andy well Im at the cafe this morning for my usual tripple esspresso and to read the newspaper. Its part of my morning habit that allows me to set my day in MY way. Im sitteing there reading some story about how this wacko killed a bunch oh kids in an Omish school when I here. it (my name) Well Im not gonna say it.
And there was Andy , standing there looking just like he used to in a Phish t shirt and hippy clothes. Talked for about 5 mins cuz he was in a hurry and he took my number before he left. I gave it to him just becuase I felt like a shithead thinking about him calling a wrong number, besides I didnt expect him to actually call.

Well it was about suppertime when the phone rang. Normally I just screne my call but I wasstanding right by the phone at the time and picked it up. Ansy was in twon another night and was coming over.
Goddamn it , my new pussy ass maker drug cant get me to say no. I want to stopt them by my shrink thinks Im making real progress. I just want to come clean and tell him what I really do and that Im not an internation wine tasting correspondent. But then I might have to take him out.

Oh yeah Andy. Well the guy shows up the the cheapest bottle of wine in the store. I know wine well because I have to keep up this fake MO. Well we talked and talked, mostly about past university days and about women, sex and once he got alittle drunk about killing cats. This is when I found out that Andy loves the taste of felines. He tells me he wants to tell me a secreat and goes into this long drunken confession for the reason he went and joined the shipping company was so that he could travel to places where he could do things that you cant here, like drink in the streats, date transvesties and eat food that you can eat here. He goes on and on about how when he is in Singapore he will eat cat almsot very day and that when he leaves he will catch them and take them back to the boat and eat them. He has almost been caught a couple of times.
Christ a cat... is there even any meat on a cat? And how does one cook a cat. MY mind was racing and then i was reminded about the contract I turned down today.
Man what a pussy Ive become.

Wow , its been that long since my last and only post. Well I've been on assignment. I've put in some months in Europe working on a special project. I was posted in the Bastille area in Paris working on a very inportant contact.

I may as well identify her as Amy. She is a Russian operative that I have been infiltrating over the past year. We have a mutual understanding and she does not judge me when I do things like forget to load my gun and trip on my cord choking thing.

Its been five weeks tonight since we were walking through the streets of Paris looking for very hidden train station. We we on our way to Prague and I had no intention to fly. It is far to easy to become detected by interpol now in your movements.
We took a night train from Paris to Frankfurt and then connected on a sleeper there to Prague. Unfortuntly the safe agent double booked and we were stuck with two CIA operatives that were quite possibly the biggest assholes I could describe. Asshole #1 spent the first hour talking with his "girlfriend" via satellite phone. The idiot actually thought we were a couple of dumb tourists and had no idea he was delievering code back to some slob in Virgina. Asshole #2 never said a word.

I had a chuckle though. After chasing a valium with a couple shots of brown liqour I drifted off forgetting that we would probably have to deal with Czech/ German immigration somewhere. As I started to fall asleep I watched out the window at the passing sights in the small cabin. I had this uneasy feeling, Germany is not a place I like, as I travel through it I cant help but think of its fairly recent history. What bothers me more is the travelling on train tracks. Who actually travelled on these same tracks, going in these same directions....fucking Germans. They say its in thier past but shit how long ago was that?

Then it came, out a very deep sleep. Amy was shaking me awake telling me to open the door as she struggled to get dressed, a fight she was winning. I on the other hand was losing in my sense to get orientated, I cursed myself. What kind of a professional was I getting in the shape I was with these to knuckle heads in the cabin. Like the unseasoned morons they were they didnt move. I stuggeled to get the door open as I familarized my self with the situation. I decided that I would play dumb. A risky move considering the company.

We were met with a leather jacket clad Czech offical, he sounded German but I knew better. His short cropped blond hair and mean looking demeanor made me snicker under my breath. Since most Eastern European counties have joined the EU they have no scary powers like they once had, this guy didnt get the memo. I started in with some confusing story about getting lost in Paris when he moved on to the dumb asses upstairs. I had confused him so much with my story of getting lost in the London under ground he figured I was civilian. Travelling on a Canadian passport basically obsolves you of ignorance. Unlike the US passport.

He was so delight when he saw the United states of america on their passport he could hardly hold back the joy. Normally I would have been as equally entertained but I was travelling naked and would have to snap a neck or two if I really needed to get out of this situation. I hate when I dont have a gun. Amy had convinced me to dump it a few hours earlier. I hadnt done any knife fighting in months and felt way out of practice. The horney man in me made me listen to her anyway. ...sometimes Im a sucker for the girls.....especially the ones that look like her.

After a very amusing wait, listenting to the two dummys use their so called field training to get out of this they finally got off the train. Well we made it to Prague and I'll explain that later. Im tired and need to catch some sleep. I have a big contract in the morning. A couple of corporate warnings and an anthrax scare.

Please forget that thing about the gun....I was drunk.

The first day.

Well it happened. I actually dropped my gun, I though it would never happen but it did. One minute I was just standing there engaged in a full out fire fight like a typical day and as I was jumping over a pile of garbage cans I dropped my gun. I cant F*&King believe it!!!!! What next, Im going to miss someones neck with my wire choking thingy.
My roommate suggested that I write down my fustrations on one of these "blogs" that it would be helpful. Normally I would just tie him up and burn him with cigarettes but that just didnt seem interest me like it normally does. I cant beleieve this is happening to me. I think Im gonna be sick.